writing

I was listening to the lyrics of the “Deewana Deewana” song from a Hindi movie. It talks about being devoted to your lover, especially the feeling of love and emotion you feel towards a person and staying true to it. You could feel that way towards someone who does not reciprocate it. Worse, you could feel that way for someone who is with you but has stunted development, a deeply flawed person whose presence results in misery for you. In that case, for survival reasons, and in some cases to thrive, one might have to part ways. To each their own. But the ones who stay and keep staying devoted stand for the purest and highest form of love, right? Or is it just one form of love, a toxic kind?
My initial reaction is to judge them and think they are stupid, emotional, and lack the capacity to manage their emotions. But at the same time, regulating emotions seems to be the territory of the mind and not being true to one’s feelings, being a victim of conditioning. Everything in life is a social construct except one’s emotions, but then even emotions are influenced by culture and childhood experiences, right?
How do you understand these relationships which are detrimental to one person but in which, in the name of love, the victim claims to be fulfilled? Why is it a problem? In that case, if one person does not have many expectations, then they can pursue such a love, and that gives meaning, which is what humans ultimately pursue.
My issue with this is that I have tendencies to be the one who is self-sacrificial towards someone who is not treating me right or being appreciative. I have come out of it and consciously chosen to optimize for personal fulfillment in life and dreams. At the same time, I believe a genuine romantic relationship should be devoid of any calculations. But that approach has led me only to despair. It is filled with disrespect, losing your path, all to maintain the continuous emotional connection with that one person. I do not see why that is even something I should choose over living a life of dignity and freedom.
A love that increases freedom, personal growth, and flourishing is the kind of love that inspires me to look forward. I am stuck on the idea that in order to build that love, one has to develop those capacities, and with those capacities, when meeting the right person, one can build such an ideal relationship. It reads fine on paper, but think about it: such a relationship can be found and built upon only with intention and thought. Blindly following emotions could lead one astray. But could it ever lead one to achieving that kind of love? If it could, then does one keep falling and getting their heart broken, or once having built the capacities, will one not get their heart broken? I do not have the answer.
Coming back to my original question: a relationship, romantic in nature but with toxicity in it, when endured, makes it magnificent. Is that not more meaningful than choosing a love and relationship with the right person and having a successful life? I know it comes down to one’s choice. But regardless, does the relationship that puts up with toxicity stand as superior and nobler in nature than a positive relationship?
If one is lucky and falls in love without thought for practicalities with someone who is a solid person, and devotes oneself to becoming a better partner and person, that is ideal. More often than not, that does not happen. You fall in love with someone for reasons only your heart knows, then keep discovering the other throughout life. Let them be, and build a love and life with them. Maybe one can have limits and thresholds. Within those thresholds, one can be accepting of the variabilities of nature or the disappointments of their partner.
Then does it not come down to this: the success of a romantic relationship depends on one’s skill in managing emotions, disappointments, and expectations? I do not know when it is worth it to keep pouring devotion into a relationship and when to walk out. If one’s emotional intelligence is the determinant, then what is love even? It is just an illusion, a kind of self-delusion, with no universal quality in it.
I can love and devote my life to my partner, but if it does not work out for reasons beyond my control, then letting them go instead of bending myself backwards seems noble to me. But then again, it is subjective and influenced by one’s values, early relationships, and conditioning. Cultivating one’s mind, heart, and soul is supremely important to live a life of meaning and fulfillment. At the end of it all, love or anything of significance relies entirely on one’s capacities, values, and beliefs.